1. When about to enter a war…
‘In peace, there’s nothing so becomes a man,
as modest stillness, and humility:
but when the blast of war blows in our ears,
then imitate the action of the tiger:
Stiffen the sinews, commune up the blood,
disguise fair nature with hard-favour’d rage’:
Henry the Fifth: act 2 sc.1
2. After the loss of a child…
‘Grief fills the room up of my absent child:
lies in his bed, walks up and down with me,
puts on his pretty looks, repeats his words,
remembers me of all his gracious parts,
stuffs out his vacant garments with his form’;
King John: Act 3: Sc.4
3. After the accidental killing of your son on a battlefield …
Thou that so stoutly hath resisted me,
Give me thy gold, if thou hast any gold:
For I have bought it with an hundred blows.
But let me see: is this our foe-mans face?
Ah, no, no, no, it is mine only son.
The Third Part of Henry the Sixth
4. In a traffic jam…
Oh God, methinks it were a happy life,
To be no better than a homely swain,
To sit upon a hill as I do now,
To carve out dials queintly, point by point,
Thereby to see the minutes how they run:
How many makes the hour full complete,
How many hours bring about the day,
How many days will fill up the year,
How many years, a mortal man may live.
5. Before you read your horoscope…
‘Not from the stars do I my judgement pluck,
And yet methinks I have astonomy’
Sonnet 14:1.2
6. When you’re angry with the dog for peeing on something…
‘When didst thou see me heave up my leg, and make water against a gentlewoman’s farthingale? didst thou ever see me do such a trick’?
Two Gentlemen of verona: Act 4: Sc.4 Monologue of the servant Launce to his dog Crab.
7. When confronted by technology you don’t understand..
F**k f**k f**k!!! (WS at his computer)
8. Song for a rainy day in amsterdam…
‘He that has and a little tiny wit-
With hey, ho, the wind and the rain-
Must make content with his fortunes fit,
For the rain it raineth every day.’
King lear Act 3: Scene 2. The Fool.
9. When confronted with a stupid person? Man?
“the fool doth think he is wise, but the wise man knows he is a fool”
…’Then learn this of me, to have is to have;
for it is a figure in rhetoric that drink,
being poured out of a cup into a glass,
by filling the one doth empty the other’;
AYLI 5.1.39-42
10. When being pressed by a woman for a compliment?
‘T’is beauty that doth oft make women proud;
But God he knows, thy share thereof is small:’
HVI pt.3 1.4. York
11. On feeling superior then foolish upon cutting your finger whilst preparing food…
‘and as he pluck’d his cursed steel away:
Mark how the blood of Caesar followed it,
as rushing out of doors, to be resolv’d
if Brutus so unkindly knock’d , or no:
…This was the most unkindest cut of all.’
Julius Caesar Act 3 Sc. 2
12. On quitting drinking …
‘Refrain tonight:
and that shall lend a kind of easiness to the next abstinence:
the next more easy; for use almost can change the stamp of nature,
and master the devil, or throw him out with wondrous potency.’
Hamlet 3.4.
13. After a friend confesses that they killed your houseplants…
‘Gardener, for telling me this news of woe, I would the plants thou graft’st, may never grow’.
Richard the Second: Act 3: Sc quarta Queen’s exit.
14. On sitting alone in dentist’s waiting-room…
‘I am cabin’d, cribbed, confined, bound in to saucy doubts and fears’,
Macbeth 3.4.24
15. What to say when you know someone is always late and they promise to be there…
‘if you break one jot of your promise or come one minute behind your hour, I will think you the most pathetical break-promise’,
As You like It: Act 4: Sc. 1.1
16. On learning your partner is cheating at chess …
‘We will be revenged: revenge! about! seek, burn, fire, kill, slay! Let not a traitor live’!
Julius Caesar: Act 3: Sc. 2
17. On learning your partner is cheating …
‘When my love swears that she is made of truth,
I do believe her though I know she lies’,
Sonnet 138.1.2
18. When arguing with a reluctant partner as you leave the room:
‘If you think so, then stay at home, and go not’.
The reply after a moment’s thought:
‘Nay, that i will not’.
The Two Gentlemen of Verona: Act 2: Sc. 7
19. On feeling tired after searching through books and books…
‘These eyes, like lamps, whose wasting oil is spent, wax dim, as drawing to their exigent’.
the first Part of Henry the Sixth: Act 2 Sc. 5
20. On realising some of your friends are unworthy of you…
friendship’s full of dregs: methinks false hearts should never have sound legs. Thus honest fools lay out their wealth on courtesies…
O that men’s ears should be to counsel deaf,
but not to flattery!
Timon of Athens: Act 1.2 Apemantus commenting on Timon’s gullibility.
21. What not to say at a dinner-party…
Live loath’d and long, most smiling, smooth, detested parasites,
courteous destroyers, affable wolves, meek bears;
you fools of fortune, trencher-friends, time’s flies,
cap-and-knee slaves, vapours and minute-jacks!
Of man and beast the infinite malady crust you quite o’er!
Timon 3.6
22. On buying clothes…
Costly thy habit as thy purse can buy,
but not express’d in fancy; rich, not gaudy:
for the apparel oft proclaims the man;
Hamlet 1.3 Polonius advice to his son Laertes on his returning to Paris to study.
23. On wasting time…
Time hath, my lord, a wallet at his back,
Wherein he puts alms for oblivion,
A great-sized monster of ingratitudes:
Those scraps are good deeds past; which are devour’d
As fast as they are made, forgot as soon
As done:
Troilus and Cressida Act 3: Scene 3. Ulysses.
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